Now What?

Ever wake up one day and have this complete moment of clarity and stillness? A perfect moment where you're exactly in the here and now and have a distinct perception of what's going on in your life? Like you've been asleep the whole time up until this very moment and you're shocked to shit to see what your life has become? I do that often. Not lately though.



Lately I have this little voice in the back of my head that's telling me I don't belong here. I am married with three children, currently on mat-leave from a job in massage therapy. A crap job in massage therapy. I don't really want to run away from my life as a parent (well, not permanently anyway). I just want something more fulfilling to return to once I'm off my leave.



I love doing massage therapy really but I feel like a phony when I do it. I don't get paid enough to take it seriously. It's just a 'puff' job for the little woman so she can feel like she contributes to the household. Working outside of the home helps me retain my sanity. I want something that pays better, is more important to society and is less physically strenuous. But I'm not sure what that could be. You could say I'm sort of having a crisis of sorts.



I hide behind the 'puff' job because it helps me stay in denial about being a responsible adult. You would think having three kids lets me know that I have a fair number of responsibilities but I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing. My Mothering life is not my Real life (this is where the denial comes in). While mothering I fantasize about travelling to exotic locales and helping people in need. I fantasize about being able to do what I want, when I want without having to worry about my children. I fantasize about having an important job where I'm paid enough money to support myself and my jet-setter lifestyle. Like a real adult.



I played alot and imagined alot as a child. What I should have been doing is making plans and figuring out what I truly wanted to be when I grew up. I make a perfect after-school special. This is what happens to your life when you don't make plans. Fate gets in the way and takes over and you find yourself one morning sitting at a kitchen table with coffee steaming up your reading glasses trying to figure out what the hell happened. What am I doing with children when I don't even want to take care of a dog? Where's the job I'm supposed to have that other adults begrudge getting up early and going to every morning?



The real question my inner self is asking is: what will be my legacy? what will I be remembered for? Just another nameless mother raising average kids that grow up to be complaining taxpayers? No offense to those that want a perfectly average life. I just never counted myself among you. I wanted more like a lot of people in my generation. I wanted to be noticed somehow, to count somehow. Now I'm just sitting in front of a computer hoping someone will notice my blog. That's what the world needs! Another angry mommy blogger!



So now what?


Disclaimer: Nachomama really, really, really... really loves her children and husband. Seriously. ;)